= How to be a friend to a friend who's sick =
=== Letty Cottin Pogrebin  2013  Bvtn 610 POG ===
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NYC journalist (1939), Founding editor MS magazine.  Breast tumor diagnosed 2009/09 at Memorial Sloan Kettering (MSK), lumpectomy, radiation 2010/01.  Much time in waiting room for interviews.

=== Ch1 I Can't Believe You Said That! ===
 * Examples of stupid reactions
 * No metaphors about fighting, never start a sentence with Oh My God
 * Ask "what" not "how" you are feeling, or "it's good to see you today"
 * Ask "are you up to talking?" or "you want company?"
 * Be there, listen and help, active listening (brief confirmations)
 * If recovering, brief touch on condition, then on to other things
 * The End of Your Life Book Club (two read books together)
 * "I'm so sorry this happened to you." "Tell me how I can help." "I'm here if you want to talk." "Just give me my marching orders."  "I'm bringing dinner." "I can babysit."
 * Celebrate good news, act normal, verify don't assume, get facts, help them feel useful
 + Circle of intimacy - people who respond with love
=== Ch2 How to Give Good Visits ===
 * call ahead and ask first, ask before entering, let them sleep
 * don't stare, take cues from patient, less than 20 minutes, 5 if in pain or sleepy
 * visit long enough to show you care, but not as long as you think.
 * rehearse visit in mind, don't count on spontaneity
 * watch show, read book together, jigsaw puzzle, games
 * some don't want visitors, ask ''whether'' and not ''when''
 * visit caregivers.  do chores.  
 * be there to listen, without flinching
 * help with accomodations, http://www.portable-wheelchair-ramps.com
=== Ch3 The Perfect Present ===
 * encouraging presents like tennis balls, elegant cane.  Marijuana, real food (lettuce?), flannel sleepware, good novels (ebooks for young, not self help books)
=== Ch4 Two Degrees of Separation, One Degree of Need ===
 * friend of friend is sick, help them too
 * babysit, personal secretary, webpage, shopping
=== Ch5 Sickness and Shame ===
 * Nora Ephron, hid cancer to preserve normality
=== Ch6 Your Money or your Health ===
 * Retired couple ist savings to Bernard Madhoff (2008/12/11), led to health problems
=== Ch7 Dealing with Dementia - Relating to People Who Have IT and People Taking Care of People Who Have It ===
 * Depressing chapter - support caregivers
=== Ch8 Coming through for a Friend at the End of the Road ===
 * open door to last conversation
 * go to ''loved one's'' funerals
 * recall positive attribute of friend's loved one
 * condolence notes
 * help preserve keepsakes until mourner can value them
 * silent sympathy beats fake words
=== Ch9 As Bad as It Gets ===
 * Dying children
 * remember the child, treasure pictures, speak well of them; may reopen wounds, but better than forgetting
 * don't conflate living children with lost ones
 * contributions on birth days and death anniversaries
=== Ch10 The Best of Friends - Case Histories to Learn from and Live By ===
 * p240 Postrel's kidney for Sally Satel
 * ''Turning Heads'', bald beautiful women with cancer, http://turningheadsproject.org
 * Alix Kates Shulman's Alzheimer's Support Group described in New York Times
 * youtube: the Laryngospasms